'Distance between us doesn't necessarily brings distance to our love.
Physically apart but if mentally together, that's enough.'
- Ven
'If it's meant to be yours, it'll be yours regardless what happens.
Otherwise, there's nothing you can do about it.'
-Ven
’习惯是很可怕的一种东西'
- Ven
My eyes are swollen. T.T Because I've been crying everyday since Sunday 'till today. And no, I'm not okay even I try to be. That's because he returned to his home-town on Monday. And tbh, I cried so badly. I missed him, a lot. Actually, by saying I miss him a lot is an understatement. I've gotten so used to seeing him almost everyday, that for me being not able to meet him, it's unbearable.
I'm so used to having him around me that now I felt so empty without him now. I've gotten used to his hugs, his kisses, the way he held my hand, the way he hold onto me when I'm trying to balance on the curbs to ensure I don't fall, him sending me home after work regardless he is working too or not, the way he pinches my cheeks, how he would play with my hair, how he tuck my hair behind my ears, how he could just stare at me, how he'd nag at me for not taking care of myself and even scolding me from time to time for being careless, how I can truly be myself around him without hesitations, how he takes care and dote me in every possible way, and how he can always give in to me, letting me throw tantrums or acting like a spoilt brat around him.
That was not all, it is such a long list that can fill a whole page. Getting used to something is really scary, especially when what you've gotten used to is no longer there, and you have to get used to it's absence overnight. T.T Seeing our photos, being at the places we've been for, re-reading our previous messages would make me cry without fail. Even thinking of him would.
I've cried many times, badly, because of being afraid. Afraid that it'll just be puppy love for him, afraid that it's just a game to him, afraid that I'm not good enough for him, afraid that he would find someone else better, afraid that I'll lose him somehow, afraid that he won't need or want me anymore... there're so many things that I'm afraid of simply because I'm insecure and lack of self-confidence. But he never fails to push them to the back of my mind just by simply saying "I love you".
Many people told me "saying 'I love you' is easy, but does the person who says it meant it, it'll be another story", "long-dist. r/s doesn't last bec it's hard to maintain", "he might be simply using you", blahblahblah and many more negative stuffs. But I'd always ignore these, not bec I'm being stubborn or naive or stupid. It's bec I've been brought up with the thinking of that "if it's meant to be yours, nothing can pull you both apart. But if it's not meant to be, there's nothing you can do about it" by my mum whenever she speaks to me about r/s, even up 'till today. So what if he doesn't mean it, there's nothing I can do. Yes, I'll get hurt but I learnt a lesson from this. How do I know if our r/s would last or not just based on other's experiences? Some lasted and even had happy ending like Xiaxue's, but some didn't. Thou the one that failed stands a higher chance, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. You'll never know if you never tried. So what if he's simply using me. I can do nothing about it.
If there's a will, there's be a way. I believe we can last long if we both try. I wouldn't want to be spending my time on r/s that don't last. I don't want to have endless number of boyfr but none last. I want to be in a r/s that lasts. Even if it's the only r/s I've been in. I want to be in a r/s in hope of getting married in future and not a r/s that is just for fun or experience blahblahblah. I know, Y.O.L.O. and you gain experiences from failed r/s but you won't need any failed r/s if you meet the right person. Some of you might think it's bullshit. It's okay, diff people have diff opinion about the same thing. That's unchangeable, bec we're brought up in diff culture, diff background and diff teaching.
My bestfr told me this "don't waste your time if you think it won't last, just break up. It's better now than later. But if you truly love him, you don't have to even think if it'll last or not bec you'll know it will.", and another told me "you chose this, you don't have a right to regret. But if you do, end it." I think what they said are true. Esp when they've been in many r/s before (contradicting with what I said earlier, I know but yea..) Many of my friends gave me advices knowing I'm slow and dumb when it comes to r/s. Heh.
But honestly, he's the only one that somehow changed me and is able to bring out the real me. My cousins told me I've became really cheerful, somewhat a spoilt brat and etc., diff from the usual mature, somewhat cool, fierce and "scary" me. Hahahahahas. That's a good thing, I guess. And they'd tease me for being in love whenever I blushed or smiled bec of him. Heh.
It's a mixture of everything for our r/s, but we've never gotten into a fight before. Probably bec we knew ea other's personality. So we wouldn't do something that ea other doesn't like. Even if we did, unknowingly or not, we knew what to do to appease the anger. Heh. So it's a good thing, I guess. Thou many said a r/s won't last if we don't quarrel or something, I think it wouldn't last either if there's too much arguments. I think so long as you know how to give and take, and you know what ea other likes and dislikes, or you know what to do to appease the anger or make up for your mistakes.
Anyw, I'll just end here for now~ it's getting late. And I'm supposed to be sleeping at 1+, yet it's 3am alr. OMG. I'll probably be murdered. >.<
